When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part..

So I had a dream last night that Dave messaged me. It was everything I was waiting for since December, it was an explanation, an apology, and the words that I've been dying to hear. I've been dying to hear them so much for so long that I reinvented everything I wanted said in my dream. I didn't want to wake up because I was so happy. I didn't even want to respond, I just needed to hear it.

I'm over him in so many ways but like I was explaining to Michelle the other day, I really liked him. I didn't WANT him to try to cheat on me, I didn't WANT to break up with him. I was forced into that position like so many other things. Sure, I'm better off. Yes, I learned a lot. But the pain I went through changed me negatively too, but more positively.

I'm over the situation. Whatever fuck boys I have the boys I need. Haha Joe and Ant and I'm good.

But the dream made me realize something in my life that I already knew; I need constant reassurance. I always need reassurance from my friends, my parents.. when I don't get it I drive myself crazy.

That's a flaw. I'll work on that.

Do therapists go to therapists?

Well.. since the first day of summer just came to a conclusion about 2 minutes ago, happy second day of summer!

I have been an emotional wreck for the past 24 hours, haha. Yesterday I guess I was sidetracked while driving and my mom kept having to remind me to give myself enough room at red lights, and to check my mirrors and stuff like that. She also kept bringing up the really big mistake I made the other night. When my dad got home from work, they both "decided" that I'm "not ready" to get my license on June 28th. They did it in the way that I hate-- having REALLY loud negative conversations about you that you can hear them. Then, it was time for me to go to work so I asked my mom to take me and she was like "oh, I know you're eavesdropping." Well yeah if you talk so fucking loud. UGHHHH. So me and my parents had an argument like 2 minutes before I went to work and I started crying. They were freaking out on me telling me I still need to improve a lot and that I need a lot more experience, the only thing that is important to them is me being a safe driver. Then my mom told me she wants me to get my license before school starts and I started crying hysterically. I changed my test date like 4 times now. I was supposed to have my license a month ago.

My mom told me she blames no one but me because I didn't want to drive until April or May. They pushed me to drive from the time I got my permit in July, until then, but I didn't want anything to do with driving until April when I knew I had to start learning. I know it is mostly my fault but I am NOT that incompetent.

I texted Anthony on the way into work and he told me it was my fault. He's blunt and puts things to the point, then he gave me positive reinforcement and stuff and told me that practice makes perfect and that eventually it will become second nature. I figured that it must be my fault if Ant agreed with my parents without me even telling him what they said.

Work was super fun. I cried when I got in there though. I told Gina I had a bad day and the tears just started coming. Once I cry once in a day, I cry so easily throughout. My eyes turn green when I cry and I told everyone at work about it a while ago. Gina and Alyssa would always try to make me cry, lol, so when I was crying Gina was finally actually able to see my eyes turn green. Haha! Ahhhh, I had the most beautiful little three year old named Bailey. When I was doing her makeover, you could tell there was something wrong with her, and when her mom said it was her birthday and she had a tough three years, I started crying when she went into detail. Her mom was so cute and young, and told me about all the surgeries Bailey went through and her hospital stays, and the surgeries coming up. When I painted her nails she only had four fingers on one hand. She was sooo cute, though. I started crying and it made her mom cry, lol but a little girl has never touched me like that. I don't know if I realized how fortunate I was that I was healthy, or I was just overemotional yesterday, but I really really hope she had a good birthday and that she has many more to come. Her mom was so proud of her and thought she was the best thing since sliced bread, and there was so so so so much love. I could tell. I don't know.

Then, a putty got damaged so me and Gina were playing with it, and I tried to play jump rope with it but it got stuck in my hair. Haha oops. We rolled it up and me and Jess made a "pretzel" for Jen, and put it in the Auntie Anne's bag we found. Then, it melted together and got smushy because it was so moist. I thought I would be smart and I attempted to dry it off by rolling it in tissue paper. Not a good idea. The putty got stuck. I tried to unstick it as much as possible then I made a better pretzel. We decided it was jalepeño. Haha. Then, we bought real pretzels because we're fat and Jess told me the funniest stories EVER. Haha I love my job.

After work I came home and me and my parents were fine like I expected. I don't know, I was just kind of emo and started overthinking everything. I went to bed super early for me, like midnight, lol and slept until noon today.

I AM SLEEPING IN SO LATE EVERYDAY. I need to stop being so lazyyyy. I had an appointment with Dr. Susan at two. Before I go to therapy sessions I always can't wait for them to be over, but like a week before or a couple days before I get excited because I have so much to get off my chest. It's so weird? Anyway, I guess the session went well. She calmed my nerves about driving and understood and reassured. She gets me. I love it.

BUT.. she is also a professor and she's ending her practice July 19th. I am so upset, she is probably one of my favorite people in the world and I'm not going to have her to talk to anymore. My mom was being so neurotic on the way to the appointment, and she insisted that I get referrals for when Dr. Susan stops practicing. The truth being that Dr. Susan told me last month that I really didn't even need to see her anymore, I don't want to go to anyone else. My mom thinks I'm going to be a mental headcase this year because of being a senior, graduating, college.. and she's probably right. But Dr. Susan told me I have no problems other than being a normal kid, and if normal kids can get through this without professional help then I probably could, too. She taught me so much, along with everything I went through this year and I don't think I need to build a relationship with another doctor. I was crying though, and though I had on big sunglasses my mom still asked if I was crying when she was big teardrops roll down my cheek but I insisted I was fine. It just sucks that I will never find another therapist I like as much as her. She makes sense of everything, no matter what. Not many people can do that.

So I left smiling, as always. Then I got Starbucks which ALWAYS makes me happy. I am so overwhelmed and I don't know why! I have an article to write for NJ's Key Club newsletter and I have to e-mail Mrs. Wilson like a million pictures. I miss my friends. I don't know, I'm just having an emotional week.

I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE PARALLEL PARKING

And I refuse to let it be the reason I don't get my license. I don't think it will be though, it actually isn't that hard. I just get flustered easily :(. It's all good though I guess. I cried when I was doing it but I ended up doing it three times on my own without my dad saying anything. Then, on the way home this car was turning left at an intersection so I went around it. My dad was like "check your mirrors!" and I thought he was yelling at me so I basically was going like 2MPH through the fucking intersection. Then he DID start yelling at me for stopping and not paying attention. God I suck. I ended up crying the whole way home.

My dad didn't mean to yell at me though but driving is just so frustrating. I've improved so much though and I actually did really well tonight. It's a lot easier and a lot less scary. I'm hoping to try to parallel park every night and hopefully pass my test on June 28th.

Last night I slept over Ash's and we went to the beach today with Ayla. The UV level was unhealthy so you KNOW we were there hah. We met up with Shan and Caroline. I don't think Caroline likes me/thinks I like her very much but I do. Hah it's weird. It was supposed to be like one of the hottest days of the year.. but it really didn't feel that bad. The ocean was so warm though and I got SO SO SO SO SO burnt. It doesn't hurt though? I got burnt the other day when I went to that picnic thing with Michelle (cute entry by the way, thanks loveee) and it didn't hurt. It just turned to tan overnight.

I really think three months of tanning did something to my skin. I burnt for the first 2 weeks of it in March, and it kind of made me feel immune to the pain of burnt skin? Or burnt skin at all, or so I thought? Haha but I stopped tanning on my birthday/prom but I really didn't think my skin lost that much color that I would be a tomato. Too bad I am.

Oh well.. as me and Ash say.. it will turn to tan in a day.

My mom keeps telling me I'm going to have wrinkles and crows feet by the time I'm 21 if I don't stop tanning and keep wearing SPF 8. Hah she is probably right like usual so once this turns to tan I'm going to start protecting my skin again.

I don't know! It's starting to feel like summer, just a little bit, and I like it.

this is long like my leg hair.

i woke my lazy butt up around 11 today with the highlight of my weekend awaiting me!! ... MICHELLES FAMILY PICNIC. i was excited! i dressed in my cute blue abercrombie shorts and colorful top, and walked outside when i heard michelle and her mom and MIKEY pull up outfront. we drove to her grandmoms house and quickly went outside by the pool. we talked to her amazing brother MIKEY for a while. we tanned. alot. and now im burnt like a lobster. we swam and floated on the little floats! we played with michelles baby cousin and his cute parents! (haha) i took many cute pictures because i cant resist michelles cute bod. duhhhhhh. we ate alot. and then snuck inside to eat more cake! it was yummmy. like michelle. and maybe mikey. im a little jealous of their bond/ relationship. they are so close that mikey kissed her on the cheek and holds her hand while walking down the street. its adorable. michelle might work with me! we talked about everything from what to wear to the interview, to the pretty mirrors inside the store. our plan to pick up an application tonight didnt work out, but i will get one for her tomorrow ;) we went to michelles house to get her stuff, then back to my house. then we went "swimming" with andie! we all floated around while andie complained about my long leg hair and michelle played with my tummy. (("chubby")) she knows im cuteeeeeee! we played in the pool, for a while, and then andie pushed me off the tube. then we got out. michelle avoided alex tonight. woooo! we went upstairs where it was very warm, and got changed. i tried peeking at michelles hot ass but i missed. we ate more cake. god we are fat. no chubby and fluffy, cause thats cuter!! =] well then we went on the computer cause thats whats i do best. now we are laying and ash is "stopping by" like she does best. later, we will probably hold hands and cuddle, cause i am very lovey dovey. then michelle will try to sleep and i will try my best to rape her.

michelle is cute. and i love her. and we will be friends forever. i cant wait to look at this blog five years from now and call michelle then. <3333

We're seniors?! What?!

ALREADY?!

It's insane. Three years went by so quickly.

School today was such a dud, as Stephy would say. There were barely any upperclassmen there.. probably like 30 juniors and the only seniors really sticking around were Jim and Matt haha. Shannon and I peaced at like 11:20 haha, Mrs. Matter was oblivious but I don't really think she cared hah.

"Where are you girls going?"
"To put something in our car."
"Then you're coming right back in right?"
"Of course."

.. not. Oh and our yearbooks are probably the worst I've seen. My sister's middle school year book is 20 times better and she's 13 (as of today). I didn't really care about people signing it this year. Just those that I'm close to and the seniors that I like. I have probably half the signatures of last year but I could care less, lol. I was reading my yearbook from last year today and Joe put.. "Will you marry me?" in it and this year in his I said "You already know everything. Let's just get married." haha and I had no idea. It's weird. Lol me and Shan had big discussions about yearbooks and the way people signed it today, haha it was funny.

So after school, Shannon and I did what we do best: eat Applebee's boneless buffalo wings. I ate Applebees twice this week and I seriously eat it weekly. We need to stop. Then, John came over and he asked if "all my friends were like this" translating to "is everyone as weird as you and Shan?" When I told Shan I think she was a little taken back because "she tried acting normal for once." Hahahaha I basically died laughing but anyway.

Then we went shopping with Ant. Shopping is definitely like a Marta/Anthony bff thing but it's okay. He's so picky but it's why I love him. Reef makes these amazinggggggggg flip flops that have a flask on the sole, and a little key that you can unlock and pour alcohol in. I kind of wish I was really into drinking and stuff or that they came in cute girl's styles so I could get them, but it's probably better this way hah.

Then we came home and went to Nifty Fifty's with my parents and sister for her birthday. Cuuute. Then GRADUATION. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee. It was SO short oh my god. I didn't cry as much as I expected but I was also one of the ONLY one's crying, not as I expected, either. It's all good though. Oh, and we also predicted that Shan and I would be the last ones to leave and we definitely were. We're really gay. I wanted to go "remininsce about the years" with Shan but she wasn't into that idea so we ended up going back to the mall. I'm in love with Sephora and so happy our mall has one now and I am even more in love with Too Faced Lash Injection and I'm most in love with Gina Maggio, which is why me and Shan spent like an hour and a half sitting with her in work. I visit Gina at work more than I actually do work, haha but lol we had some good talks. So we watched her close and walked out with her then it kind of sunk it that school was over.

I don't know. Now I'm sitting here not knowing what to think, say, do, write. Shannon's friend passed away today and I feel super bad for her. We've all underwent so many changes and big things this year. She's a strong girl though. We all are now. I really admire the way she holds herself though. She keeps her poise and personality going no matter what.

Now it's summmmmmmmmmmmmer. Byeeee.

Peace out junior year.

It's been real.